World's Worst Gay Bar

 Paul McCartney is beautiful, man. genuinely, wow. what's more is that sometimes when you look at him he looks like a girl. beatlemania hair was androgynous. anyway, this is unrelated to the point of the blogpost: gender. dysphoria.

hahaha! I'm really treading new ground here. sarcastic. it's been heavy recently. and sometimes i have the gall to question it, or be unsure, but i think it's real when i can feel so bad about it. i really like was just born wrong. i really wish with all my heart i was born a woman. and its humiliating. and shameful. et cetera et cetera. i found a video i saved in 2022 of a Beautiful Woman with Bleached Hair and i had saved because i was like "wow she looks so cool i wish i looked like her" and didnt decide to investigate that feeling further. but obviously its been here even if i feel like a fraud about it, it is here and it is real.

i was watching Mama Mia! recently and they have that scene with meryl streep helping her daughter get ready for her wedding and its very girly and fun and good and i was just so sad i can never really experience that with my mother. ill be a boy to her and i grew up a boy and theres no going back to being a girl with complicated feelings but still a girl. i wonder if i were born a girl if i would have this opposite want to be a boy, or if im moderately okay with being a boy just because being a girl 100% is too scary. and i know "born a girl" is reductive, i was technically born a girl. maybe that's a better way to think about it, instead of this i wish i wish i wish loop of misery. i was born a girl in a boy's body. and maybe im not 100% a girl still. during that Mama Mia! montage i could hear my friend girls crying next to me and i didnt. while they cried over that mother-daughter connection, i got sad over not having that mother-daughter connection,. like a real loser.

i dont associate or even like most trans women spaces. theyre notorious for this culture of hypersexuality and just. whatever. if you know what im talking about you know what im talking about. while that all well and fine for them , its just really Really not me at all. Which makes this identity of a trans woman not really apply to me completely. because my sisters who share a similar experience a similar despair approach these feelings and their lives so completely differently than i that there is little to no community to be found there. of course, im not the Only Trans Woman Who Isn't Into Puppy-play, there are other people who also don't belong in that majority. and maybe we'll run into each other some day. but anyway, it just makes the whole identity thing much harder.

no one in real life calls me Lucy or she. which is fine, i don't blame anyone or hold grudges. i still use he and am still a boy to an extent. but thats not all i am anymore! i am getting closer to the Real Me. that's exciting! at the very least! there is Hope y'know to change into a person i don't recognize and develop into being who i want to be. this is Possible, i won't be stuck in this place forever. that's reassuring. even if i can't change the past. i think that's something i have to learn to accept too; who i have been up to this moment is important and equally as valuable as who i am now and will be. i am not myself if it weren't for who i have been. even if i want to change and step closer to this Person who i know is at my core, the times i haven't been them are important. i saw a woman on reddit post her vaginoplasty and Oh my god. it was so good, it was so well done. i was stunned for a good few seconds. there was no doubt that was a vagina (What?). that's hopeful. that change is possible. 

im patient but im slowly losing that patience. i took a video of myself today and watched it back and didn't recognize myself at all. or- i did and it wasn't in a good way. i saw myself in a way that i hadn't in years, so i still look the same way i did back then, a way i don't necessarily like. i don't like how i look, i don't think i'm good looking. but i don't want to look like someone else. i want to look like me but the version of me who is beautiful. this i think is at least better than wanting to look like someone else. i feel that, don't get me wrong, oh my god i feel That. but, thinking seriously, i'd like to be me. but the Me who i want to be isn't the Me who is here now. I will try to be this person in my day-to-day but it needs more than the day-to-day change to come true. i need to physically transition to an extent. im scared of having boobs. i'll be frank it's scary. but i need to do something. and if i need to have boobs to find myself a little deeper than i'll have boobs. but i need money too. Fuck. Damn. FUck. 

There are more things i want to write about. but it's 9:15 and the dining hall closes at 10 and i gotta get food so i can wathc Yojimbo in my dorm. this is my life. then i will read Pride & Prejudice i think. Goodnight. MAerian.